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#CoerciveControl

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quackademic

The lives of unpaid carers are exhausting & their work deserves Huge respect. Watching a loved one decline like this is endless grief.

But….

The tone of this piece & others like it is another version of the myth of the ‘good woman’ (even tho some carers are men) - the idea that the ‘right’ way to think about dementia is that the person suffering is a paragon & the adoring carer will sacrifice their own health & well being for as long as it takes.

I wonder whose voices are silenced by this.

What about the people who are bound by circumstance caring for someone who for years has been their abuser? People entrapped in a relationship of coercive control learn they cannot trust their own feelings or judgment, that their worth lies only in serving their abuser & that they are not entitled to be safe. The idea of standing up to a partner who does not want to go into care is unthinkable. Facing their anger is too frightening.

The framing used in pieces like this is another rope binding such people into their learned certainty that ‘if I wasn’t such a failure as a person I could do this’. Looking from this place, for some the only escape that feels possible is their own death.

For all the respect I offer to carers like those in this article, it is the experience of people whose voices are made inadmissible by the framing used here, that breaks my heart 💔

#AgedCare #Dementia #CoerciveControl

‘I could never, ever not care for her’: how do carers know when to stop caring for those they love? theguardian.com/society/2025/m

The Guardian · ‘I could never, ever not care for her’: how do carers know when to stop caring for those they love?By Susan Chenery
Public
🅰🅻🅸🅲🅴 (🌈🦄)

#CW: talk of abuse, control, and food.

This morning at breakfast my partner apologized for leaving the heel* of the bread loaf for me, and I was reminded of how much my ex used to control my eating.

*there was another loaf thawing, so I could have easily eaten that instead of the heel.

I used to get a "talking-to" for:
- eating the last of anything my ex might want.
- not eating the last of anything my ex didn't want.
- asking for things I wanted (like Swiss cheese**).
- cooking something for myself that they liked.
- cooking something for myself they didn't like.
- not cooking things just the way they liked.
- eating "too much".
- being "too thin".

**earlier in my relationship with my current partner, while we were at the grocery store, they asked if there was any cheese I wanted. I said "I like Swiss" as I broke down crying, following up with "but I'm not really allowed to get it".

My current partner is amazing, and my ex is my ex for a lot of good reasons, and I'm happy-sad crying a bit this morning, and I just want anyone who this list resonates with to know they aren't alone—that's abuse, plain and simple—and you can get out too.

Here's some info on coercive control (just ignore the ad for BetterHelp, because fuck them):

psychcentral.com/health/coerci

Psych Central · 8 Signs of Coercive ControlCoercive control refers to any pattern of harmful oppressive, dominating behavior used to force you to behave in a certain way. Recognizing the signs may help.
#Abuse#AbuseSurvivors#CoerciveControl
Public
quackademic

#CoerciveControl is a useful concept for making visible the abuses of #power that can occur in hierarchical relationships.

We now see them more easily in #families, #cults & other institutions. Perhaps our next step is to see how people raised in relations of hierarchy learn that the only way to be safe is to either become the biggest #bully in the room or to appease that bully.

So many of the people who achieve power in our #political & other institutions appear to operate like this. While bullying behaviour is seen as normal, or even valorised as a characteristic of alpha masculinity, our cultural framing rules (what we’re allowed to say) & feeling rules (what we’re allowed to feel) obscure it from view. The consequences of a bully’s actions are seen as resulting from the personal failings of those who are harmed. Naming this dynamic becomes a dangerous act.

Sound familiar?

What if our culture‘s assumed hierarchy of human value is mistaken? What if this way of making sense of the world harms us more than it protects? What if we are all connected & our wellbeing depends on the wellbeing of others?

When bullies win, everyone loses. I say yay to every way we make this visible.

abc.net.au/news/2025-04-12/coe

ABC News · As a Victorian inquiry delves into claims of coercive control in religion, families are calling for changeBy Jonathon Kendall
Public
quackademic

This is simple bully tactics. Lead with ‘I have power now & I can hurt you’. Follow with ‘if you are nice to me I’ll only hurt you a bit. Anyone who resists with be punished’. Everyone is cowed & falls in line. There must always be a scapegoat to be an example to others, everyone knows that any day it could be them.

The dynamic is so familiar to anyone who experienced bullying in school. I wonder if this is how the sad man who is driving this was parented? He has clearly learned that being the one running the protection racket is the only way to be safe.

Our cultural acceptance & normalising of #bullying & #CoerciveControl in families, schools, relationships, business & governance enables these abuses.

abc.net.au/news/2025-04-09/chi

ABC News · China slaps 84 per cent tariff on US goods as EU announces retaliatory leviesBy Patrick Martin
Public
A.Stringer

Whilst I'm glad #coercivecontrol is being recognised for the #seriousharm it causes, this article is somewhat misleading (or the media have been briefed incorrectly). Any serious harm risks (including coercive control) are already shared with other agencies by the #Probationservice, this is not something new. It is disingenuous to infer otherwise.

Coercive control to be put on par with other types of #domesticabuse in England and Wales | Domestic violence | The Guardian
theguardian.com/society/2025/f

The Guardian · Coercive control to be put on par with other types of domestic abuse in England and WalesBy Eleni Courea
Continued thread
Public
Jason Lee

As someone who has never used Siri & has had it turned off since it was first introduced, I find this weirdly creepy from Apple.

All of it is weird & creepy, but adding a friend’s name as a sampler, even more fucking creepy.

It also shows me Apple doesn’t know my friend or I, or how we communicate. Which, may seem like a small positive, but it’s still creepy for trying.

#Apple #iOS18 #CreepyAsFuck #AMess
#coercivecontrol #Stalking

Public
quackademic

A man shot & killed his ex partner’s friend & her daughter bc he thought they were hiding the woman he was seeking to assault. She feared he would do this & had warned her friend to hide. The police say he had no police record & it’s not about domestic violence bc the women he killed were not his partner or family.

If this is not a man enacting #CoerciveControl as part of a campaign of #DomesticTerrorism (‘if you leave me you’ll make me do something stupid’ segues into ‘look what you made me do!), what is it?

Maybe another #GoodBlokeWhoSnapped. #YeahRight

ENOUGH 💔💔💔💔💔

abc.net.au/news/2024-05-25/per

ABC News · Floreat mother, daughter warned to hide before fatal shooting in Perth's western suburbsBy Nicolas Perpitch
Public
Dr Tess Machling

There will be a nationwide UK Emergency Alert sent to all phones on Sunday 23rd April.

For many who have secret mobile phones - think domestic violence, abuse etc - this could be lethal.

Advice about what these alerts are and how to disable them can be found here:
excelattheoffice.com/2023/04/0

Excel at the OfficeHow to Turn Off UK Government Emergency AlertsThis blog outlines everything you need to know about UK emergency alerts, how they work, devices affected, and how to turn them off
#EmergencyAlert#DomesticAbuse#DomesticViolence
Replied in thread
Public
Anna

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared of everything. I‘ve got so much trauma from doctors. I’m scared my GP will yell at me today and I won’t get a chance to get my treatment, scripts, go though very bad bloodwork and figure out what to or follow up referrals. I really need my IV. He’s dragging his heels. He yelled at me a few days after my mother had a stroke. That’s why I need to record this guy. How can I do this all in 10 minutes? The clinic won’t even let me email them to pass anything on in preparation. They denied it for 8 months but finally admitted it. I can’t go anywhere else because don’t have the energy. I’ve got no support. I ask one disability advocate to help they say they don’t do that and pass me on to another one that sends me back. Don’t know what to do. Hospital doesn’t help. What the hell do I do? I’m not asking a lot. I just want treatment and people who should be helping me to stop treating me like shit.

#SevereME #ChronicIlness #LongCovid #PwME #MECFS
#CoerciveControl #Abuse coming from everywhere.
@mecfs

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